


The Courtship of the Oblivious

by xwannaflyx



Category: Naruto
Genre: (please do not actually go without sleep for days for research sleep is healthy), Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Courtship, M/M, Oblivious Tobirama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 22:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16072466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xwannaflyx/pseuds/xwannaflyx
Summary: Tobirama resurfaces from research binges and almost gets killed by the clearly-a-prank elk which is just laying there in front of his door. The next time he resurfaces, he's absolutely trapped inside the house because the moose is even bigger.("You're being courted!" Hashirama shouts from behind him even as he tries to plug his nose but also cheer.)





	The Courtship of the Oblivious

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fajeczki](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Fajeczki).
  * Inspired by [MadaTobi Artworks](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/419297) by Fajeczki. 



> for the MadaTobi Remix and for fajeczki  
> I hope I didn't do your artwork a disservice!

When Tobirama stepped out of his apartment after a fifty hour research binge searching for coffee and and sugar, his half-dazed sleep-deprived form immediately tripped over the bloody elk carcass in front of his door and narrowly avoided accidentally stabbing himself on its antlers. 

Hashirama, finally hearing his brother  _ finally  _ leave the apartment that had smelled suspiciously and made lots of scary noises for the past couple days, sprinted out of his own apartment and found his usually put together brother sprawled on top of a dead elk. “Uh.” Hashirama, because he had some vague idea of survival skills, began to slowly retreat back into his apartment.

“Hashirama,” Tobirama snarled, dragging himself off the ground using the wall. “Is this a  _ prank? _ ”

“Tobi!” Giving up retreat for lost, Hashirama approached his brother with as much blind cheer as possible. “That’s a very nice elk you have!”

Tobirama looked from his brother who was wearing a large smile but avoiding the bloodstains to the giant at least 700 pound elk crowding his doorway. While bloody, the elk had clearly been dispatched with a skillfully broken neck. “Am I being threatened?” Tobirama finally asked, still staring at the giant elk. 

Hashirama gaped at his oblivious brother for a little while. “Tobi,” he began slowly trying to give his brother urgent stares from the giant elk to the blood on doorway. “ _ Tobi _ .”

Grumbling, Tobirama stumbled past his brother, aiming for the coffee shop he knew was down a certain number of stairs and across two streets. “Could you clear that away before the superintendent takes away my deposit? Thanks.”

Hashirama looked slowly from the goddamn elk offering sitting on his brother entrance way to the wall that was marked with a bloody uchiwa. “I really don’t know how he missed it,” he finally said faintly. Even he had noticed when Mito had unceremoniously dropped a giant elk on his lap and then viciously drawn a bloody Uzumaki spiral on his chest. He cautiously sniffed the air then quickly covered his nose, “I don’t know how he didn’t  _ smell _ it.”

-x-

Tobirama, after guzzling down his third espresso, had promptly fallen face-first into the table and started snoring. “Should we do something?” Hiruzen hissed, staring at their mentor who was unconscious in a public area and disconcerting covered in blood and reeking of someone that definitely wasn’t him. Koharu sighed and was about to say something when she was cut off by Kagami finally showing up for his shift.

Opening his mouth to greet his friends, Kagami immediately gagged and took a genuine stumbling step back. “Oh  _ gross! _ ” Kagami whined, plugging his nose. “Oh my god, oh my  _ nose _ . I’m going need so much therapy!” he shrieked, before flailing his way out of the shop. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Danzo asked, peeking his head out from the kitchen where he was working on the baked goods. 

“Where do I even start,” Koharu said dryly. Ignoring her idiot friends, Koharu dug out the blanket they kept for Tobirama-specific emergencies and carefully covered him in it. “I’m sure he needs the rest anyway,” Koharu added pragmatically, before briskly turning back to the kitchen to continue working on the budget. 

“Aren’t bloody victims typically bad for business?” Hiruzen mussed, counting up the register again. Homura grunted, face still buried in his book. Sighing, Hiruzen dug out a clean rag and decided to wipe down the counters and also sanitize every single surface that Tobirama had touched. Knowing their professor, it was really the safer decision. 

Several hours later, Tobirama suddenly bolted upright with a shout, causing Hiruzen and Danzo to let out high pitched shrieks of fear. “Add it to Hashirama’s tab!” Tobirama shouted before suddenly sprinting out the door and into the street. 

“Is it actually legal to continue adding things to the mayor’s tab without his permission?” Hiruzen mused, staring at the suddenly emptied table with the tipped over empty espresso cups. 

“Are  _ you _ going to try telling Professor otherwise?” Danzo pointed out, shoving Hiruzen towards the now abandoned table. Hiruzen had to agree that he absolutely would not and, with another sigh of resignation, turned to attempting to get the bloodstains out of the wood. 

Tobirama, who had sprinted through two streets with plenty of bare misses and flew up a certain number of stairs, vaguely noted that the elk was gone before he shut himself in his apartment to fix the calculation that had been glitching on him for the past couple days. Honestly it was so  _ simple  _ he didn’t know how he hadn't figured it out earlier. (A voice that sounded suspiciously like Hashirama pronounced that he probably  _ would  _ have known if he had actually slept.)

-x-

The next time Tobirama stumbled out of his apartment, he opened the door and found the entrance way genuinely blocked. Since he hadn’t actually slept in a little under a week, Tobirama walked straight into a strangely warm and fluffy mass and bounced back off, landing on his ass in his entrance way. “Hashirama!” Tobirama shouted, automatically blaming his brother. 

“Tobi- _ holy shit! _ ” 

“Hashirama! Where is my entrance way!” Tobirama shouted back, thoroughly annoyed. 

“ _ Is that a fucking moose! _ ” Hashirama shrieked, completely ignoring his brother. “Holy  _ shit _ .”

“Whatever it is, it’s a fire hazard,” Tobirama snapped back, wondering if he could climb the moose and crawl into the little crack of light between the top of his entrance way and the top of the apparent moose. “And I need coffee.”

“You need sleep,” Hashirama responded immediately, forgetting the giant moose with the blaring bloody markings on the wall for the moment. “I know you didn’t sleep after our last research binge too!” he added, pointing angrily at.... well, the moose because he couldn’t actually see his brother’s entrance way or his brother. 

Tobirama considered his blocked entrance for a long time and weighed the benefits of coffee against the lecture he would undoubtedly get from his brother. Ignoring Hashirama’s ranting on the other side, Tobirama turned back around and decided to get some sleep instead. 

-x-

After fifteen hours of sleep, Tobirama suddenly bolted upright from his bed. He had been gifted an elk. He had rejected said elk by telling Hashirama to get rid of it. He had unknowingly kept the bloody display on his doorway. He now had a moose covering his entrance way. His house smelled suspiciously like hints of ash and ozone. 

After taking the quickest shower of his lifetime and putting clothes on, Tobirama yanked open his door (to find that the moose was gone) and marched into his brother’s apartment. “I’ve been getting  _ courted  _ and you didn’t tell me?” he demanded, glaring at his brother who had frozen in the middle of taking a bite of eggs. “Someone asked you if they could court me?” he added because as far as he was concerned the fact that someone asked and Hashirama hadn’t allowed him to violently dissuade them from that plan of action was the greater betrayal. 

“Hello Tobirama,” Mito greeted, camly taking another sip of tea. 

“Hello Mito,” Tobirama responded because he wasn't actually raised by wolves. Or, well, he hadn’t grown up in a barn at least. 

“Hello Hashirama,” Hashirama added because he wanted to feel included. He immediately balked when that turned Tobirama’s dangerously suspicious glare on him. “Goodbye Hashirama,” he added, slowly standing from his chair and attempting to escape deeper into the apartment.

“Sit down.” Hashirama sat.

“Well, I’m off to the university. I have some numbers I need to run again,” Mito said cheerfully, ignoring her husband’s pleading stare. “Don’t leave me a mess,” Mito warned Tobirama before dropping a quick kiss on Hashirama’s forehead, gathering her things, and walking out of the apartment. 

“So?” Tobirama snarled, looming over his sulking brother. “Someone asked for permission to court me and you just let them? What kind of useless pack alpha  _ are  _ you?” Tobirama demanded, crossing his arms. “Who is it?” he added, glaring. Hashirama pressed his lips together and shook his head, eyes wide. “Brother,” Tobirama growled, leaning down as Hashirama shrank back. “ _ Who is it? _ ”

“I promised him he could tell you himself!” Hashirama blurted, before slapping both hands over his mouth with a horrified squeak.

Tobirama slowly stretched his neck from side to side before giving Hashirama a dagger sharp smile. “A male and an Uchiha,” he said slowly, baring his fangs. “I’m sure I’ll be able to beat the information out of someone.”

“Tobi!” Hashirama protested, too slow to stop his brother who briskly walked out the door. Hashirama buried his face in his hands. “Madara is going to kill me,” he whined. 

-x-

“Kagami, dear student of mine,” Tobirama said silkily, swiftly throwing an arm around his rapidly paling student. “I think we should talk.”

“Whatever it is, Professor, I swear it isn’t my fault,” Kagami pleaded, attempting to drag himself over the counter despite Tobirama’s firm grip and Danzo and Hiruzen hastily fending him away. They knew about essentials of survival and preferred  _ that  _ murderous energy far away from them. 

“I just need a very  _ very _ tiny favor,” Tobirama said pleasantly, tightening his grip around Kagami’s neck to almost dangerous levels. “You’ll help me, won’t you?” Kagami gurgled, batting at Tobirama’s arm and nodding as much as he was capable in agreement. “Good.” Turning away, Tobirama smiled at his other students crowded behind the counter, “I’m sure no one minds if I borrow Kagami.”

Callously ignoring the pleading fear in Kagami’s eyes, Koharu smiled pleasantly. “We don’t even need him,” she said cheerfully, waving the two of them out the door. 

“That was probably a little cold-hearted,” Hiruzen admitted, sending a quick mental apology Kagami’s way. 

Koharu shrugged. “I would sacrifice every single one of you for a single balanced budget,” she responded calmly. Giving a frozen Hiruzen a gentle pat on the cheek, she turned back around and headed to the office in order to crunch the numbers further. 

“She’s terrifying,” Hiruzen admitted to Danzo, shuddering. Danzo shrugged but he had to agree. 

-x-

“Professor,” Kagami said, rubbing his abused throat. “I really don’t know what’s going on, I swear.” He gulped and rubbed a hand through his hair. 

Tobirama’s sharp red gaze immediately jumped to his hand and his smile became distinctly predatory. “You always rub your hand through your hair when you lie,” he pointed out pleasantly. “So?”

“It’s really none of my business,” Kagami said hastily, speeding up slightly in hopes of reaching the Uchiha Compound and blending in with all the other Uchihas. “I really think you should just work it between yourself and your courter.”

“I don’t know who it is,” Tobirama admitted, his lips pursed in displeasure. “Hashirama won’t spill.”

“Seriously?” Kagami asked, staring at his genius professor a little incredulously. “Don’t they call you a genius?” he added, frowning.

“I’m also quite gifted at martial arts.”

“Right, I didn’t say anything,” Kagami said quickly, holding his hands out defensively. He rubbed the back of his head again, weighing the pros and cons of just telling Tobirama the situation. “Well I mean- _ Christ _ .”

“Tobirama?” Madara asked, glancing between Kagami and Tobirama with a slight frown on his face and a goddamn snow leopard draped over his shoulders. “Kagami, are you in trouble again?” he added, scowling at his often wayward charge. 

“It’s not even my fault this time!” Kagami whined, crossing his arms.

“Madara,” Tobirama greeted slowly, looking from the Uchiha pack alpha to the gorgeous snow leopard draped on his shoulder. “Did you kill a snow leopard?” he asked, a disapproving frown on his face. 

“Of course not. I’m not  _ incompetent _ ,” Madara spat before noticing who he was genuinely speaking to “Oh, uh.” Madara suddenly blushed, eyes skipping past the two of them and focusing somewhere in the distance. “I wasn’t expecting you,” he said uncomfortably. Kagami shifted, even more uncomfortably. 

There was a pause as Tobirama waited for more of an explanation and Kagami attempting to make explanation-ladened eyes between Madara and Tobirama. “ _ Why _ do you have a snow leopard?” Tobirama asked slowly. 

“I’ve, uh, started courting.” His eyes went shyly to Tobirama before skittering away. “They deserved something impressive so I’m...” he trailed off and shuffled his feet nervously. 

“Oh.” Tobirama’s expression seemed a little frozen. “Congratulations,” he added a little belatedly.

“Thanks.”

Kagami’s eyes went from Madara, who was studiously avoiding eye contact with everyone while holding a snow leopard, and Tobirama, who was supposed to be a genius and well known for his fondness of the creatures, a little incredulously. The two remained oblivious to his emphatic staring, avoiding each other’s eyes. “This is absurd,” he finally said abruptly, throwing his arms up in defeat. “I’m going back to work,” he added, slowing backing away from Tobirama before booking it back to the coffee shop. He really did need the money and the two idiots could figure things out eventually between them, he was sure. Almost sure. Sort of sure. 

“I’m sure your intended will be pleased with your gift,” Tobirama added after an awkwardly long pause. He ignored the confusing twist of pain in his heart. In recent interaction, he thought that perhaps Madara would.... Obviously he had been wrong and the consideration was now irrelevant. He did wish that Madara wouldn’t  _ rub it in  _ with a gift like  _ that _ though.

“I hope so too,” Madara replied hastily, still blushing. “They’ve been... picky about the gifts so far so I figured...” he trailed off and shrugged his shoulders. His gaze sneaked to Tobirama, drinking in the surprising lack of dark circles and the enduring tilt of his head. 

“And uninjured predator catch is quite impressive,” Tobirama complimented a little uncomfortably. Most pairings stuck with prey offerings; even Hashirama and Mito in their very public courting had only prey offerings for all that they had been upwards of 700 pounds. 

“He’s very impressive,” Madara blurted before shutting his mouth with an almost painful click of teeth.

“I see,” Tobirama said slowly. He did not see. 

“You do?” Madara squeaked, suddenly fumbling the snow leopard and causing it to wake with an annoyed yowl. It kneaded its claws into Madara’s back to show its displeasure then leaped down from his shoulder, giving Madara a disdainful twitch of its tail. “Goddamn it Fluffy,” he snapped, scowling darkly at the majestic beast. 

“Your intended named your gift Fluffy?” Tobirama asked slowly, his opinion of Madara’s taste rapidly declining. He let out a soft surprised but pleased rumble when “Fluffy” suddenly wrapped around his ankles, strangely affectionate despite its clear distaste for its own owner. 

“You like her?” Madara asked, ruefully rubbing his shoulder and staring with rather rapt eyes as Tobirama interacted with his offering. 

“That’s not important is it?” Tobirama pointed out, a little dry and a little resentful. His hands retreated from Fluffy’s fur, much to her vocal displeasure. He returned them after checking Madara warily for any offense taken. 

“Considering I’m trying to court you, I would consider it pretty important,” Madara pointed out, a little confused.

“What?”

“What?”

“You’re courting me?” Tobirama was the one squeaking this time, fingers spasming in Fluffy’s fur. “You’re the one that left that absurd elk and moose on the doorstep?” he added, recalling sleep deprived memories of being thwarted from a smooth exit out of his home. 

“You were open to any Uchiha courting you?” Madara took a step back, clearly stung. If Tobirama had encouraged a courting by leaving the uchiwa without even knowing it was Madara doing the courting then perhaps their past conversations had been more one-sided than he had hoped.

“What? No! I mean,” Tobirama suddenly blushed, his pale cheeks abruptly filling with color. “I didn’t even figure out I was being courted until I finally slept last night,” he confessed, returning to slowly stroking Fluffy after she very deliberately trod on his foot. “I came here after trying to drag the information out of Hashirama and Kagami.”

“I figured Hashirama had already blurted it out,” Madara said, still a little cautious. “I had hoped...” he trailed off, avoiding Tobirama’s suddenly hopeful gaze.

“No!” Tobirama quickly protested, “Wait, I mean,” he added quickly when he noticed Madara rearing back, hurt. “I also had hoped,” he added quickly, taking a quick step forward and almost tripping over Fluffy. Letting out an offended yowl, Fluffy reared back and smacked Tobirama further forward, causing him to properly stumble as he attempted to avoid Fluffy’s tail and causing Madara to hastily step forward and catch him. “Well this is awkward,” he said, hastily stepping back and swallowing uncomfortably. He took in a deep breath then let it out slowly. “I would be honored,” he said slowly, trying to meet Madara’s eyes.

“Really?” Madara asked, clearly startled. “Because I had another three escalating gifts set up because I figured you’d be picky,” he blurted. “Not that that’s bad,” he added, at Tobirama’s offended huff.

“Madara, I would have accepted that stupid elk if you just told me instead of trying to murder me on its antlers,” Tobirama complained, shoving Madara. 

“Really?” Madara repeated, incredulously. “Hashirama said you would be difficult,” he mused, scowling slightly. 

Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Tobirama shifted his weight. “I think Hashirama meant more in terms of...” he trailed off then gestured between the two of them all-encompassingly, “ _ this _ sort of way than that.” He cleared his throat, a slightly uncomfortable expression on his face, “I thought I was being pranked.”

“Seriously?” Madara demanded, frowning with confusion. “With offerings?”

“I thought maybe they were threats?” Tobirama offered, rubbing his face. “I also hadn’t slept.”

“Right.” The two shifted, eyes darting between each other to the ground to each other and then drawing irreversibly to Fluffy. “So do you...?”

“I’d be honored,” Tobirama blurted quickly. He stumbled forward a step, his usually graceful movements a little clumsy. Darting forward, he took Madara’s hand and dragged it down his own jaw and neck, cheeks warming slightly at how wide Madara’s eyes went at the action. “And you...?”

“Yeah,” Madara choked out, quickly grabbing Tobirama’s hand and dragging it down his jaw and neck then the other side too for good measure. “Yeah, of course,” he added, a slightly blissed out look on his face. 

Tobirama’s eyes also glazed for a moment before he cleared his throat roughly. “We are standing at the Uchiha Compound entrance,” he said slowly, peeking over Madara’s shoulder and noticing the multitude of red eyes staring back at him. 

“Oh gods,” Madara mumbled, a low whine in the back of his throat. “Oh my god, Izuna is going to take the shit.” He firmly grasped Tobirama’s hand and turned around, already snarling at all his clan members. “Yes you nosy busybodies!” he yelled, waving their joined hands in the air. “I’m leaving,” he added, briskly turning around with Tobirama towed behind him and Fluffy trotting at their heels. 

“Oh thank the gods, I don’t think we could have spared the children any longer!” Izuna’s rather distinctive voice called back, even as raucous laughter and loud cheers began echoing around the compound. 

“I should have been an only child,” Madara grumbled, even as his grip on Tobirama’s hand tightened. Tobirama’s eyes went from their joined hands to the beautiful  _ third  _ offering he had received to the cheering clan members and gave Madara a careful, and reassuring, squeeze back. He was pretty certain that Hashirama and Mito might be worse, actually. 


End file.
